Back to confession

A couple of days ago I went to Books A Million in Monroe to catch up with an old friend. It was so reassuring, knowing that I'm not the only one struggling to find contentment when I cannot know the future. After he left I looked around for a while before leaving myself. On my way out I heard someone say "Hey!" Not sure if it was directed at me, I kept walking. The call rang out again...it was obvious the voice was calling to me. I turned around and a middle aged guy approached. The story that came next I've heard a hundred times or more: he was out of luck, his family was struggling in Winnsborro, and he asked me in the name of God if I could give him two or three dollars for gas to reach them. Uncomfortable with the situation, I just handed a couple of bucks over. I'm quite certain those dollars were not spent on auto fuel. With gas prices around the mid $2.-- range...one gallon would hardly make it out of Monroe proper.

Here's the truth: I paid him to leave me alone. Here's another truth: I did not walk in step with the Spirit.

I know that I've become more hardened than I should in the past year. If I could re-do that situation, I would walk with him to the gas pump and offer to give him what he requested. The point of doing this is not so much avoiding being lied to, but rather engaging the man. By walking with him I would give him the attention he deserves as a created being and loved by God. I could know him in that moment. If he would let me buy the gas, wonderful. If not, then truth could be shone and forgiveness might be offered. I had and have no way of knowing the man's situation. That said, as beloved ragamuffins finding our redemption we are called to love the poor. If the poor would try and swindle us, we would find no more real a moment to love them than the moment of truth.

An amazing Shakespeare quote: "the quality of mercy is not strained"

I've failed a thousand times to bring the Kingdom to earth. In fact, if you saw me for who I really am you might think I am trying to stop its arrival.

Mercies are new every morning...and even now if we toss our crowns.

Stopping to breathe

It has been far too long since I have updated this thing. As I'm sitting in the Frothy unable to do another academic thing...I thought "why not blog?" So, in the spirit of all things blog-related and wonderful: life has been interesting lately. In the quick and dirty sense I don't know exactly how to deal with everything. The stress of graduate school/life can take over the mind so easily. I know now how seminary students become so disillusioned. The books have a way of numbing passions, especially when they start to stack up and buddy up with articles. I can just be thankful that all of mine are stuck in the seventeenth century Spanish world. If they dealt with my faith exclusively I would really struggle to find solace. But I cannot go any further into the the craziness without giving a little detail about the solitude. Every morning I have been able to drink from a fountain that never fails me. It gets my mind off of myself again and again...and I fight it like crazy sometimes. Giving trust to anything is so hard, it means you lose control. It means that you have to...well, trust! And I struggle with that so much.

Ok, so I didn't say a lot about the details of my life right now...but that's free to anyone who asks.

I'll try this again soon.

Much grace and peace...

It's September? really?

It's been too long and it's time for an update. The fall quarter has begun with a lot of new things underway. After a lot of praying, thought, and conversation I've decided that it's time for a change of pace after this school year. My mind is tired: after this year I will have been in school at the university and graduate level for six years. According to scripture that would mean it's time for a sabbath. Not only is it time, but rather a command...the seventh year. This means I've decided to postpone my law school plans. I still plan to attend eventually, but I need a few years to live my life in a different way. Instead of absorbing knowledge I want to offer it. I want to spend some time working as a teacher, inner city if God allows. I also want to move and be independent. If I get a job I'll be able to flesh out some of my thoughts about tithing and giving. I want to learn more about personal finance and use it to honor and advance the kingdom. A lot of thoughts laced in a wealth of hope.

I've grown, and love is piercing a lot of the bitterness that I experienced this past summer.

Oh, how He loves us


maybe Nashville...

Wait right there LSAT, I'll be right back

I'm sitting in a Monroe Starbucks before plunging into LSAT study thinking about life as of late. I think I mentioned before that my summers are not always the best time of growth for me. Obviously my summer with CSM was an exception because it had an enormous impact on the person I am today. I wish that were the norm, but in the past these times have overwhelmingly been about stagnation or worse. This one has not been one of those. I don't even know where to begin with an explanation, but I can describe this one as difficult but also mellow. I've had no shortage of things that bother me, but I could never say that without explaining the near constant trail of blessings that come from all directions. I've never realized how wealthy I am. My wealth is relational, riches that come out of friendships and words of encouraging affirmation. The morning prayers continue to sustain, and this morning I think I nearly leapt to my knees because it's a refuge to something greater. That's the place I don't have to be haunted by anything. I can hand over all of the chains that I seem to have a thing for collecting.

I'll be back sooner than later.

Igloo Candle Light

Summer is here! Somehow, and I'm still not entirely sure how, I survived Spring quarter with my g.p.a. intact. Then I somehow landed in Monroe. Goody. Every summer except for this one I've planned something big, something that would not have me in this town. While I still have my Ruston place, a law runner job has me here Monday-Friday. Like I said, I didn't think this one through...so I'm just now trying to do something about it. While I've got a trip to Guatemala planned to sharpen up my Spanish, that's not until late August and lasts for only a couple of weeks. In the meantime, here I am. I've got thesis research and the LSAT to study for. I have to confess I've been favoring the former over the latter. Those, though, are simply the tasks for the summer. Outside of that I've got the major concern of growing spiritually. Summers haven't been my shiniest of times in the past, and I'm more than convinced that this one cannot be one of those. I can't describe how chilling the isolation felt when I first got to Monroe. Things have warmed up a little, but still I can't feel the real cohesion that comes with a community you're living life with. It's going to take putting myself out there tirelessly. If I don't, I know what to expect. Let's just say for all of his musical talents John Meyer probably shouldn't be the most playing thing on my ipod this summer.

That said, I do have hope. Some conversations that I've had have given me a little reassurance that God can move anywhere, even here. Some flames are lit, now with some effort and intervention my prayer is that they will flare up.

Some thoughts on being a pilgrim

As I've talked about before, this year has been an enormous learning experience regarding "spiritual development," or whichever term people use to describe the process of growing closer to God. It's been my first year of graduate school at my undergraduate university, something that I had not planned on in a million years. I was convinced that I would be leaving LaTech after four years. I expected to go to graduate school at somewhere like Tulane or the University of Florida. Those two schools had other plans. Even though two other good schools accepted me last year, LaTech was the only one to offer financial aid. On top of that, tons and tons of prayer revealed a growing peace about staying in school here.

So, I began what will be two years of graduate school at LaTech. One of my greatest fears was that the separation from my ministry, the Wesley Foundation, would leave me as a shell of what I once was. I thought it was my lifeline, and being quasi-here but too busy to be involved would only bring about a slow drifting into spiritual complacency. God had other plans.

For a long time my prayer life was sporadic and emotionally charged at best. That was the substance of it. There was a lack of consistency, and if you read my journal entries from back then my emotions seem to have been on the fritz. So this fall I felt this urge to pray daily at the same time. I read about meditation and learned that for centuries Christians used it to settle in and catalyze a connection to God that was free of distractions. They could calm down and listen. So I started the meditations and the prayer every morning. With a few exceptions, it's been a steady, daily part of my life this year that I can almost describe as addictive. Addictive in the best of ways. It's been difficult, but it has been life. I focused in on the process described in John 15 as well as fleshing out the Lord's prayer, and from there I've known the kingdom in new ways that make me wonder what can be called life outside of this?

So several weeks ago I started thinking a little more about the concept of pilgrimage. Yes, the ritual. No, it wouldn't be rote and purposeless. In contrast, it would reorient the day toward the kingdom. I've only been convicted about the first hour of the day, but the idea is that eventually the whole day will make for a kind of micro-pilgrimage. So far it only consists of climbing out of bed and showering like I normally do. The difference is that now the shower is a time to pray against lust. A breadcrumb trail, a marker on the pilgrim's trail. I've seen the destruction caused by lust. I've seen how it's warped and twisted my views, numbed me to life. I've also caught glimpses of what redemption from it looks like. Things look, smell, taste, and open themselves to appreciation. I'll pray for its hold on the body of Christ as well. That people will be bold and fight back. Christ said "blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God." That's bold, and it's what my convictions reinforce to be true.

After the shower I'll meditate, and I'll work through the Lord's prayer like usual. From there, I hope I can think of other routine things in the day that remind me. Markers on the trail. These won't be burdens, but rather invitations.

May the kingdom come, and may His will be done...

Striking a Chord

I've been realizing more and more that while there are huge differences between what is holy and what is secular, the life of someone in Christ is somewhat of a splatter paint job between the two. Moreover, "listening to the Spirit" seems so connected to a proper ordering of the life. Everything seems to be interconnected, what some people call holistic. What I've seen in my own life lately, especially through giving up fast food for lent, is an appreciation for stillness. In that stillness creation happens. It could be something as simple as boiling water to cook noodles in, but I'm learning about God. I'm learning about creating, about the image we were made in. And then there's washing dishes. I've found that I can get swept away in it. I'll lose track of my "schedule" and exist then and there. That's what I've been praying for: to be able to exist more fully in what I'm doing when I'm doing it. If it's prayer, then I'll be fully praying. If it's study, then I'll be fully into Latin America. If it's cooking, then it's ingredients and motions. And yet, I keep colliding with God in these mundane things. When I stop worrying about schoolwork when I'm not working on it, or about my future plans when all I have is today, God meets with me and I know I'm loved. I'm starting to understand that "listening to the Spirit" is like hitting the proper notes while playing a song. Maybe an even better example would be hitting the notes on guitar hero...although a lot less frantic.

may my love go free

The yoke gets heavy

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my convictions and the future. I have to confess I've had doubts about both. Not crushing, life-altering doubts, but doubts nonetheless. To be honest...some of the fears are rooted in the economy. I know, I know, we're not supposed to worry. But still, when I think about what could happen I start to feel a little constricted. I start to question how much my desire to go to law school is rooted in my own ambitions and how much of it God is laying on my heart. My convictions for wanting to go are hardly professional, even though that's what seems to be on a lot of people's minds when I mention it. I mean, I know I need to make a living to provide for a family, which I most certainly would love to have one day. Still, my convictions are found in the skills that lawyers have at their disposal. When I look at the International Justice Mission's work to fight human trafficking and injustice, my heart leaps. Suddenly this profession that has a bad reputation most of the time is being used in ways that seem so in line with Christ's heart and the kingdom. International is nice, but I know that skills like that could be used anywhere, and anywhere is where I'm willing to go. And they may have to be.

Welcome to my fears and feelings of constraint. I worry that the economy going ker-plunk is going to make it impossible for me to even go to law school simply because I would not be able to secure a loan. I mean, Atticus Finch was not himself without the ability to serve people with his occupation. And Jesus, I think he knew what it was like to serve amidst a broken economy. Ok, so maybe a broken state which many thought he should be siding with to overthrow a well-known empire. In the rubble Jesus found a way to establish his kingdom. He led man back to life in the middle of chaos. And he didn't sin. Now the pendulum swings. What about these convictions that I've only described briefly? If they're real, then I should be taking up courage that God is going to make a way. He is so faithful in that. I guess that's why I've been reading a lot of blogs about mission work lately. I've done some, and I know that discerning it forces you to embrace hope. Sometimes it's all that you have going for you.

So, when God puts something on your heart, do you abandon all restraint to get to it?

But still, you must love...

I Should be Typing Something Else...

As the title suggests there are some other that I could(or should) be doing right now. Those would include bibliographies and research proposals among other things. Right now, though, I just want to reflect. What have I learned since the December entry? Plenty...from plenty of different teachers. Consistent morning prayer has become an addiction, without it I just walk through the day like a wraith. When those days have happened I come running back to the ritual. Ritual here is a wonderful thing, a discipline grounded in its consistency. In a way it's the outgrowth of realizations from the fall retreat. The biggest of those concerned Christ's words about the vine and branches in John 15, apart from which we can do nothing. Of course the word "do" or rather the verb "to be" mentioned there is, as I've found, loaded. When we are connected to Christ, the "do" is apparently limitless in potential. Sometime not long after the last entry I was given a crash course in boldness. This boldness is new, and it revealed my cowardly "deeds" or lack thereof. If I believe something to be true, and I stand by that, I've realized that I might actually encounter some opposition. So much more with Christ, where that opposition has all but been guaranteed. I wonder what I was thinking before, or maybe I was just listening intently to fears and doubts. One thing about boldness that I've realized: it comes with enormous responsibility. I think we've all seen it abused. All of the fruit of the spirit. Truth. Grace...but not cheap grace, would bring about something else. Maybe people would see and enter the Kingdom.

With that I say "People of God, rise up and give out your love and show your faithfulness to your Kingdom!"