I Should be Typing Something Else...

As the title suggests there are some other that I could(or should) be doing right now. Those would include bibliographies and research proposals among other things. Right now, though, I just want to reflect. What have I learned since the December entry? Plenty...from plenty of different teachers. Consistent morning prayer has become an addiction, without it I just walk through the day like a wraith. When those days have happened I come running back to the ritual. Ritual here is a wonderful thing, a discipline grounded in its consistency. In a way it's the outgrowth of realizations from the fall retreat. The biggest of those concerned Christ's words about the vine and branches in John 15, apart from which we can do nothing. Of course the word "do" or rather the verb "to be" mentioned there is, as I've found, loaded. When we are connected to Christ, the "do" is apparently limitless in potential. Sometime not long after the last entry I was given a crash course in boldness. This boldness is new, and it revealed my cowardly "deeds" or lack thereof. If I believe something to be true, and I stand by that, I've realized that I might actually encounter some opposition. So much more with Christ, where that opposition has all but been guaranteed. I wonder what I was thinking before, or maybe I was just listening intently to fears and doubts. One thing about boldness that I've realized: it comes with enormous responsibility. I think we've all seen it abused. All of the fruit of the spirit. Truth. Grace...but not cheap grace, would bring about something else. Maybe people would see and enter the Kingdom.

With that I say "People of God, rise up and give out your love and show your faithfulness to your Kingdom!"

december musings

It's time for a new post on this guy. After all, it's a new quarter at LaTech. Somehow I managed to survive the last one, and although it nearly killed me academically I can fairly say that I learned some things. One: I don't want a PhD. Two: Consistent prayer every morning introduced by distraction-eliminating meditation can be life itself. It's the kingdom put first and a silencing of morning mental noise all at once. Still, the guidelines of "thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as in heaven" & "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" continue to blow my mind with their endless depths. Somehow the prayerful spelunking brought about a connection that when absent felt like withdrawals from a fix. Everything in my life just went off kilter. So, I've decided to hang on to this little discipline.

I mentioned that I don't want a PhD. At least not anytime soon. Interestingly, I still want my MA, at least enough of it to constitute a knowledge of Hispanic immigrant communities in Louisiana. It looks like my research will include a lot of oral history, which means I'll get a chance to talk to a lot of people and try and tell their stories. I can't can't think of a better way to get to know a group you one day could see yourself serving. This was intimidating for some reason, but today I gave it all some heavy thought and I think I'm ready to start tackling it. One thing I need: a good voice recorder. Do those come in digital?

Blessings in disguise. Some not so shrouded. Life.
Painting by: Odilon Redon (d.1916)

books…papers

Papers and books. Last week: three papers and one book. This week: two papers and two books. Sometimes graduate school can seem overwhelming to say the least. Sometimes I sit back and check my pulse, and yes, there still is one. That pulse reminds me that there is life within me and a soul that craves more and more of it. I've gotten to a point where I'm asking myself why? Why graduate school, is the end goal even realistic? I'm long balling, but one of these days I want to take all of the knowledge I can gather about Latin America, combine that with a law degree and start drawing connections. Connect resources, see that the hungry are fed and that the thirsty have water. Connect people, enable people of faith to know that we are all brothers and sisters. To disconnect injustice, as this verse[es] that I've resonated with cries out:

"I was a father to the needy, and I searched out the cause of him whom I did not know.
I broke the fangs of the unrighteous and made him drop his prey from his teeth."
-Job 29:16-17
I can't shake these convictions, and why would I want to?

He said he was the vine, and we are the branches.
Apart from him, we can do nothing. So what does do entail?

Brother and sisters, lets go down and love[God, people] well.

Manos y Pies (Hands & Feet)

About a year ago I started going once a week to Farmerville Elementary to tutor Spanish-speaking students in the ESL program there. I've been going with a couple of other volunteers through this organization called Manna Project International. Manna isn't faith-based, but that in no way has stopped this huge conviction of mine that through it I've been able to be a small part of the hands and feet of Christ. The need is enormous, the physical need I mean, but more than that our group has unexpectedly become default role-models for the chicos. As we've done this we've also become better friends, and I can't explain how great this one-a-week adventure has become to me. It's a passion, it's grassroots, and I can't help but think that if Christ were with us that he would love teaching Kindergarten kids their ABC's. I could go on and on, one story after another from this experience. Hands and feet, now I'm just praying for more workers to enter the field...

Cosas Nuevas

Lately I've realized the value of "quality time." Last night I sat with a friend for a long time just talking about life. We talked about all of the hard things and how in some ways we feel drained. We talked about God, about what kind of legacies we leave behind to everyone around us. Somewhere in the middle of that discussion I became thankful. It was the kind of feeling that in spite of all of the troubles I have so much to be thankful for. I'm looking at this year and I'm looking forward to it. I'm older, and Ruston sure has changed since I first arrived, but something is beginning to seem fresh again. I'm a graduate student in history and I also work as a departmental TA. In that I feel like there is great potential to love and serve people. In that I feel like I'm coming to understand it as my ministry. I have to. It's what's sitting in front of me. So with that in mind I want these tanks re-filled, and I want a heart of flesh for my heart of stone. I love you guys.

Response to "Reconciliation"

In a recent post my friend Matt wrote about reconciliation in Christ. Hey used a diagram which placed Christ at the center with four connecting objects(the individual, the community, the creator God and the creation): the four objects expressing how some understand the nature of redemption. I would agree, and to reflect I wrote some things that express my thoughts about each.

1) Individual: I remembered the ash, bitterness and endless disenchantment that used to be my life. I considered what could have become of me without Christ's intervention. I realize that the individual connected to Christ has enormous potential to engage life. Christ called it the kingdom of heaven. Even the glimpses are enough to convince me that only life in Christ can truly be called life at all.

2) Community: Christ was with people most of the time. He taught them about the Kingdom, he trusted them, and he even asked them to be there for him. Through Christ our communities can take all of the potential of the individual and amplify it. It can radiate in a way that the world neither experiences nor understands...and by encountering it people are welcomed to join it. Through it perspective and substance radically change beyond our understanding of the word "good."

3) Creator (the Father or God) : I don't know where to begin or even what to say once I have. Christ knew the Father intimately and used parables to convey his nature. There was and still mystery, even danger. Jews will not even speak the name, leaving a blank _____, a pause out of reverence. I'm beginning to think that we have much to learn, actually, I know we do.

4) Creation (our planet): Not many of us were taught as children the holistic nature of the Kingdom. We were given an understanding limited to just the individual and Christ in many cases. But what about the redemption of all things? What about the feeling I get when I escape our society and embrace what so many others have felt? And what, to strike closer to home, do we do with the creator's command to Adam to "subdue and conquer the earth and everything in it"? What an enormous responsibility. I think that that responsibility extends to us...in all things, and in all things it includes the requirement to "rule and subdue" correctly. With boldness, care, concern and divorced from abuse. I'll conclude by relating something I recently heard: that if human society suddenly ceased to exist hardly a generation would pass before nature reclaimed everything: our cities, our creations.

So I recently saw an interstate rest stop that had been recently closed. In it's derelict state you could easily see grass breaking through the concrete...reclaiming.

Dizzy but Prone

I finally feel that I can tap into all of me. After returning from Guatemala I recovered from food poisoning for about a week, steadily regaining my appetite and scrambling to recapture the ten or fifteen pounds that I lost in my final 48 hours in that country. No sooner did I begin to feel better that I got hit with a dizzying summer cold that I'm now feeling the last of. I ran yesterday to see if I could. To stretch my legs and let them fly like I used to. It's been a long time since then, and although my two-mile is no longer sub-11 I believe my blood thanked me for its release. Dizzying; that would describe what it's been like since I returned. Moments of euphoria where my soul danced in freedom clashed against the chilling bite of letdown. In the letdown radiance flipped as a coin to reveal a revolting contrast. Glee tagged off to horror. More than a couple of times my face has been down, as low is my body will descend because I know that God is near to the brokenhearted. The weight, the submission that brings freedom whispered assurance in the bog. In my dizzying retreat my questions keep me company. The biggest is whether or not to restrain my resolve.

Where do I go from here? Summer seems laced with aimlessness.
I know, though, in my deepest core of being that I will delight in His teaching.
I will delight in His caress as never before.
Daily I will meet with Him and sit in the silence that teaches.
I will be teachable, and I will rise to boldness and to love.
In that I will give myself away.

"Be silent, all flesh, before the LORD, for he has roused himself from his holy dwelling"
Zechariah 2:13

Let's go deep!

Sitting here in this coffee shop I realize what it means for me to have two weeks of college left. I mean, sure, I do plan on going to graduate school. I know that will be something different though. All the same, I can't seem to stop thinking about what it will be like to say my college days are done. Degree in hand, over, done. I've learned so much in them. I owe to these days the bulk of my faith journey. I have grown a lot. Spiritually, emotionally...dare I say physically. Ok, so there are no more 40-50 running miles a week like in high school. I'm excited that I have so much more life to go. I mean, I've read enough of the scriptures to know that I believe God is good. Like goooooood kind of good. I know he loves me so much. He's shown that so much. I was just reading the other day in Judges about Gideon. In short, Gideon isn't exactly the cream of the crop to break down the alters and kick out the bad guys. But when he does demolish the alter to Baal and Ashera...that happens to be in his back yard...the people try to kill him. Gideon's father tells them that they should let Baal contend with the offense...after all it was his alter that Gideon took the pleasure of smashing. Because of it all, Gideon gets to be one of those interesting people in the scriptures to get a new name. It's Jerubbaal...which means in short "let Baal contend." That took faith. I want that kind of faith. My God is that kind of God. I want the smashing of the idol to be done in the kind of faith that lets the evidence declare I really don't need that anymore. If it were so great...then let it contend. It kind of works both ways I guess, but what if we applied that to our lives? I guess I should clarify...what if I said of the things that I fear. Like, I'm sort of afraid that I won't be provided for. Sometimes I just have trouble believing that the ravens will come. I think if we explored Gideon we might find some picture of faith. I think things would change. I want to drink deep. To live and love well. Too well. Unnaturally well. I want to get there. Oh yeah...and I want people to come along!

Grass & Tulips, Breezes & Fears

Today I slept in so that when I woke up around ten in the morning I was ready to go after something like sabbatical. Life has been a crossroads lately. It's been a heavy dose of uncertainty. I'm as unsure as ever of what my next move will be. I have healthy fears, cowardly doubts, and nothing short of a strong desire to do what I feel to be good. With that on my shoulders along with a backpack full of Augustine and the Psalms I went for a walk. The day was too beautiful to try and describe. The small things to the gargantuan kind swayed with the breeze. They're all getting along fine it seems. God said they would. Stacking that against my worries, it seems like I can be sure of the ending even if the middle ground seems a little hazy. For the moment I'm just going to sit and take this creation in.

Reminders

I'm in the middle of what has been the busiest week of the year. Graduate school applications could possibly be more confusing and time consuming than grad school itself, and of of course there is always the school I'm currently attending. Spanish has certainly demanded a lot. This week, however, has been different than the other busy ones. This week I finally worked well. I also stopped here and there to read. And then there is the running. They've all been little reminders of passions and pursuits outside of the drudgery. I logged into my homepage today and the picture above came up. There are no words, only a desire. I will see some of those beautiful(here I go describing) and indescribable parts of creation while I'm on this earth. Right now, in no particular order or concern of being labeled random, they're called New Zealand and Iceland.

Dizzy

The scriptures repeatedly speak of the sacred romance between God and man. They cry aloud of God's longing to walk among his people. In the law the people were commanded to look strait ahead, not glancing to the right or to the left. To fixate their gaze on the wholeness of God and to pursue Him as a lover pursues his beloved. I have found that this divine fixation is relevant within the bounds of the new covenant. That within our liberty and covering of grace we can so easily become distracted and forget. In my own life I fail to keep my gaze focused. I romance lovers less wild. Their promises wilt into bitterness. Into emptiness. As long as we have breath I believe God still longs to redeem us. I want to experience the depth and wholeness of this redemption. I have tasted and seen that He is good...I want to be consumed in Him as well. Not to the right or to the left...strait ahead...

mejor que el Vino...

I find myself in motion to a place I barely know, finally tasting a freedom from a web I never fully understood. This motion is sweet and beckons me to embrace it. I know it will be better than the finest wine, a place where I can resonate with a reality that few taste. Many would ask to what end? I simply know it to be good and true. It is caught somewhere between a leap of faith and a dream I feel the Spirit would have for this life of mine. Mine, yet not.

It's been so real to me lately how temporal so many of our "christian" fads are. In short, much of it has become jargon to me. All the same, the truth of Christ which I've heard thousands of times over has not grown to be like jargon. The essence of it still rings loudly in my soul. And yet, softly. I've seen the kingdom move as of late. I feel like God has used me in its moving. I've also messed up a lot. Pleasing the spirit or pleasing the flesh. It's a day to day, hour to hour, second to second struggle.

It's totally worth it.

Shimmer within Decay

As of late I have known defeat and fear like a buried man knows dirt upon him. What defenses I once clung to are but trifles of legalism robbed of their potency. These days of late the bitter I taste is rancid but the sweet is beyond description. I now know that I man cannot change his own heart. I knew that before, though I am not sure if I believed it. There is truth in David's voice as he said "Create in me a pure heart Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

The truth is this, God is willing, I need but relent my pride.

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God"

Cliffs Above

I feel walled in. From this sin and failing it seems I cannot escape. The freedom looms above...casting its shadow if only to tempt me to redemption. I declare freedom from this would be inhuman, not of this place. It feels so normal I feel tempted not to resist, yet the spirit whispers that love should have some place. I should offer more love and respect. Truth stings sometimes...and why should ignorance enjoy such bliss? Freedom would require me to leap, to trust, to have faith. So the cliff looms above, and I have wings yet I waver as to their use...

Motives & Church

It had been 4 weeks since I last went to church. I finally went this morning and I think I received more questions than answers. Don't get me wrong, I gave up looking for definitive answers in church a long time ago...or perhaps I never actually looked. Frankly I wonder if my experience with church can be summed up in saying that on one end there is passionate fascination and at the other numbing apathy. I'm not sure if my current spot fits between either though. I found myself gazing at it all almost as a critic yoked with spite. It wasn't spite though, I know this because I still care deeply for the church. Christ died for it. And so I ponder a while and determine if my motives align evenly with my ideals. I need to confess. I often care more about who is sitting around me in the service than I do about my lack of understanding of the mystery of worship. That would mean I seek their praise. That could mean that I seek their approval over that of my redeemer. What would the idealistic church look like? I doubt that it would be the most trendy or relevant. I doubt people would even care what their or any one else's clothing looked like. How could they? How could such insignificant and trite things be even the most remote of distractions when the focus were where it should be? By that I mean centered on the love of Christ and love of fellow man. So convinced of the need for deedless grace simply because one would know their own reality as well as the reality of their neighbor. They might even be one in spirit. They might live up to the ironic humility that we are all called to.

Who then, is my enemy?

I simply cannot bring myself to understand this constantly. I catch glimpses of truth yet it flees. Perhaps however, it is I who flees. I run and hide because it is light and I am dark. I so often get frustrated with souls I perceive to be wretched and sunk in a restraining pit. I forget that I have been redeemed of similar straits. I deny the truth that is Christ, that men can be free and can chase perfection in this life and be assured of it in the next. If I but stand for that liberty in Christ. If I but exhibit my redemption I do believe the haze might lift. One might call the lessoning of hell heaven, yet I believe the glimpses of heaven we are exposed to are but drops of water from oceans. My prayer is this, that I may not hate men but sin. That I may attack the enemy and not the hostage. And who are hostages...all men I presume, until they are redeemed.

Please Father, Cut These Chains

my pride chokes me. i welcomed it here. it grips and pulls me and makes me a mockery. what liberty and freedom is there to be found in the mire of pride? what bare evil it is! pollution of the soul...

liberty, humility, freedom...paradox of eternity. In surrender I am redeemed

The Grandfather Was a Labor Union President

The Myers-Brigg profile said it well. "If there were no INFJ's, Israel would have gone without prophets." At times things stir in my deepest parts. A passionate conviction, a daring vendetta resonates. It was upon me so quickly, had I been given a moment more I would have approached her...and rebuked her. I was standing in the coffee shop line. My friend was working the counter. My friend was tired. The women, who could have been mistaken for a regular church goer, approached to order. She spoke of her custom preference. The barista innocently failed to know. The customer glared...then asked for the barista's name. She had no care to know her.

Had it come to me a second sooner, I would have approached the customer. I would have said, "why do you do that?" "what good can come of it?" "can you not see her honesty? are you so consumed with pride and disregard?"

I would have said it. I could feel the bitterness of it all. I should have spoken truth, instead I spoke nothing at all. She probably is a church goer, she probably cared little for my friend. Like I said, my grandfather was a labor union president.

Plans Rather Unkempt

I am a man like two. My emotion dictates my ever changing whim. But a whim, a pulse within perhaps, whispers softly. But yet it sways. Plans made are no place for faith, for faith must dwell in loftier keeps. Merely a desire, yet wrought in conflict with fate. Faith, hope, love...and then before our eyes the Kingdom emerges. Perhaps I am wrong, or perhaps I follow whims...but I am His.