Motives & Church

It had been 4 weeks since I last went to church. I finally went this morning and I think I received more questions than answers. Don't get me wrong, I gave up looking for definitive answers in church a long time ago...or perhaps I never actually looked. Frankly I wonder if my experience with church can be summed up in saying that on one end there is passionate fascination and at the other numbing apathy. I'm not sure if my current spot fits between either though. I found myself gazing at it all almost as a critic yoked with spite. It wasn't spite though, I know this because I still care deeply for the church. Christ died for it. And so I ponder a while and determine if my motives align evenly with my ideals. I need to confess. I often care more about who is sitting around me in the service than I do about my lack of understanding of the mystery of worship. That would mean I seek their praise. That could mean that I seek their approval over that of my redeemer. What would the idealistic church look like? I doubt that it would be the most trendy or relevant. I doubt people would even care what their or any one else's clothing looked like. How could they? How could such insignificant and trite things be even the most remote of distractions when the focus were where it should be? By that I mean centered on the love of Christ and love of fellow man. So convinced of the need for deedless grace simply because one would know their own reality as well as the reality of their neighbor. They might even be one in spirit. They might live up to the ironic humility that we are all called to.