The Confessions of Sir Rolfe

Confessions from Tennessee

2010-07-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

The last post mentioned that I would be sailing into new waters. Well, my sailing has finally slowed and I find myself in a landlocked state. That's right: Tennessee.

When you leave your college town and "go off into the world," it feels like someone has pressed the "reset" button on your life. So much of your identity seems to be at a distance. Family, friends, church, school, classes, and professors all seem like a past life. I raise the questions that I suppose everyone asks: what do I keep...and what can I keep?

One thing that's been a bigger challenge than I ever imagined is how to "set up shop" with faith. Jesus hasn't changed, and His kingdom seems to be moving in Memphis the way it's still moving in Ruston. The context has changed so much on my end though...and I think I'm beginning to understand why transitions to new faith communities can be such a hard thing. I guess this is the classic case of the "youth group to college ministry" struggle. Some make the leap, and some just give it up.

If finding and moving to the rhythms of the Kingdom were like painting a picture, then I have no shortage of paint and brushes.

I just need to recognize the canvas and let His breath continue to guide the strokes...

Please pray that I can draw near to Christ.

Setting off...

2010-05-30T08:44:00.001-07:00

For six years Ruston has been my home.

I'm getting ready to sail into the proverbial uncharted seas right now...

It's a time in life that life sits in a knife's edge...stay the course and there will be abundant growth, leave the course and there be a mire of dismay.

Back to the seafaring allusion- I know the skipper, and He knows the path He knows the course this vessel must take...

Christ must increase, I must decrease...

When I talk/cuando hablo

2010-04-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

In James 3 the apostle talks about the main issue associated with teaching. He talks about how those who teach will be judged more strictly, I suppose because, like James insinuates, they have the power to sway for good and for evil. He spends a lot of time talking about the evil:

"For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing."

I know this really well, the blessing and cursing. If you took a notepad and for a day's time had access to my mind, you would see my morning prayers followed by a rush of fears, doubts, and anxieties about my interactions with people. I brood against them, I justify my position and feel the numbing reality that there is no life in it. On my better days I fight against the thoughts. I reason with my "inner tongue" and the Spirit moves in the motion. In that there is life. I guess I'm thinking a lot about this in light of Teach for America and moving away in general. Finally, at long last, for better hopefully more than worst, I'm going to be out on my own. I'm going to be fully responsible for my new actions to see that they fall into rhythm with the Spirit...thankfully time in Ruston has prepared me well. Or, rather, God faithfully working on me in this environment. After I leave though, a few phone numbers and a lively but long-distance relationship will be my only real connection to this place. All the while I will have to speak. I long to. The funny thing is that James doesn't really give the option to not speak...he seems to just be warning of the consequences when we inevitably do. There is no sitting out, only redemption-forward. And grace will be constant...

Clarity cometh...

2010-04-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

So things about the future have become a little more clear. At the end of quarter break Krystle and I were traveling back to Ruston from Mandeville when I checked my email on the cell. I had almost forgotten that it was another release date for Teach for America...who waitlisted me back in November. I had little stock placed in getting in, and even though I had recently learned of a hiring freeze on teaching in St. Tammany parish(Mandeville), I was pretty sure I would be moving down there anyway. Well, about ten miles outside of Tallulah on I-20 I checked and the email read:

"Dear William,

I am writing to follow up with an update on your waitlist status and final admissions decision and want to thank you for your patience and continued interest in Teach For America.

I am pleased to extend you an offer to join the Teach For America 2010 corps!"

I gulped...because the email did not contain the regional and subject assignment. About 8 miles later we came into Tallulah and stopped at the McDonald's to bum the wifi. We prayed, crossed our fingers, and I logged in. My assignment was secondary Spanish in Memphis. This contradictory rush of emotions hit me all at once. I was thrilled, only the hand of God could have opened this door...such a wonderful job, calling, and invitation to follow Spirit-led convictions...and yet if I pressed the "yes, I'll accept" button, it would mean long distance for at least a year. I had two weeks to let TFA know yes, or no. A wrestled and prayed for four or five days...do I choose the gift, a lush and challenging opportunity or an arid landscape near the object of my affections(cliche, I know). As I sat and listened, cringed and released, read and meditated, a peace came and whispered "yes does not mean no." After running that by a few people I trust, I knew that I had jump...and press the yes button.

So, amidst the usual graduate school chaos...God chose to offer a very, very large blessing amidst his constant flow of smaller ones. Like any relationship, I know the small things are what matters. The small blessings made and make Teach for America palatable. The same Spirit that has guided me in peace for these two years of graduate school will use me in powerful ways, to move figurative and literal mountains, to speak truth...all because of belief and in light of being an heir to the kingdom.

Let's talk about the prodigal son sometime soon...

Time for some newness!

2010-02-21T10:04:00.000-08:00

2010 has come and settled in since the last time I updated this. Since that November a lot has taken place. Since then I was waitlisted by Teach for America...which happened again in January(I'm still on it). Life in general has been pretty static with thesis work and all. My job is more or less drudgery, and except for two possible locations and the type of work I want to do, the future remains a mystery in my mind. I have decided...with slight consideration as to what TFA says...that I want to teach high school Spanish for a while. There is something enormously appealing about teaching a subject that I can almost be certain the students will have zero enthusiasm for. And why not? Every gain will be sweet, every spark of interest a victory. I want to share my passion for Latin America and Spain, and through that I can share my life/Christ. I can't wait to raise questions they've never thought of- about immigration, identity, culture, allegiances...all the while offering a skill(second language) that could benefit them for the rest of their lives.
On another level, a certain lady and I started dating again. I don't want to go into it at length, but I'll just say that the relationship has constantly sharpened my desire to be faithful to the kingdom. Not just faithful, but to be submissive to God- letting go of my plans and asking to be a part of a kingdom that's already here and coming.

Just a hint- but my future geography could place me in one of these: (the green star on the first and then the red dot on the second...

Back to confession

2009-11-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago I went to Books A Million in Monroe to catch up with an old friend. It was so reassuring, knowing that I'm not the only one struggling to find contentment when I cannot know the future. After he left I looked around for a while before leaving myself. On my way out I heard someone say "Hey!" Not sure if it was directed at me, I kept walking. The call rang out again...it was obvious the voice was calling to me. I turned around and a middle aged guy approached. The story that came next I've heard a hundred times or more: he was out of luck, his family was struggling in Winnsborro, and he asked me in the name of God if I could give him two or three dollars for gas to reach them. Uncomfortable with the situation, I just handed a couple of bucks over. I'm quite certain those dollars were not spent on auto fuel. With gas prices around the mid $2.-- range...one gallon would hardly make it out of Monroe proper.

Here's the truth: I paid him to leave me alone. Here's another truth: I did not walk in step with the Spirit.

I know that I've become more hardened than I should in the past year. If I could re-do that situation, I would walk with him to the gas pump and offer to give him what he requested. The point of doing this is not so much avoiding being lied to, but rather engaging the man. By walking with him I would give him the attention he deserves as a created being and loved by God. I could know him in that moment. If he would let me buy the gas, wonderful. If not, then truth could be shone and forgiveness might be offered. I had and have no way of knowing the man's situation. That said, as beloved ragamuffins finding our redemption we are called to love the poor. If the poor would try and swindle us, we would find no more real a moment to love them than the moment of truth.

An amazing Shakespeare quote: "the quality of mercy is not strained"

I've failed a thousand times to bring the Kingdom to earth. In fact, if you saw me for who I really am you might think I am trying to stop its arrival.

Mercies are new every morning...and even now if we toss our crowns.

Stopping to breathe

2009-11-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

It has been far too long since I have updated this thing. As I'm sitting in the Frothy unable to do another academic thing...I thought "why not blog?" So, in the spirit of all things blog-related and wonderful: life has been interesting lately. In the quick and dirty sense I don't know exactly how to deal with everything. The stress of graduate school/life can take over the mind so easily. I know now how seminary students become so disillusioned. The books have a way of numbing passions, especially when they start to stack up and buddy up with articles. I can just be thankful that all of mine are stuck in the seventeenth century Spanish world. If they dealt with my faith exclusively I would really struggle to find solace. But I cannot go any further into the the craziness without giving a little detail about the solitude. Every morning I have been able to drink from a fountain that never fails me. It gets my mind off of myself again and again...and I fight it like crazy sometimes. Giving trust to anything is so hard, it means you lose control. It means that you have to...well, trust! And I struggle with that so much.

Ok, so I didn't say a lot about the details of my life right now...but that's free to anyone who asks.

I'll try this again soon.

Much grace and peace...

It's September? really?

2009-09-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

It's been too long and it's time for an update. The fall quarter has begun with a lot of new things underway. After a lot of praying, thought, and conversation I've decided that it's time for a change of pace after this school year. My mind is tired: after this year I will have been in school at the university and graduate level for six years. According to scripture that would mean it's time for a sabbath. Not only is it time, but rather a command...the seventh year. This means I've decided to postpone my law school plans. I still plan to attend eventually, but I need a few years to live my life in a different way. Instead of absorbing knowledge I want to offer it. I want to spend some time working as a teacher, inner city if God allows. I also want to move and be independent. If I get a job I'll be able to flesh out some of my thoughts about tithing and giving. I want to learn more about personal finance and use it to honor and advance the kingdom. A lot of thoughts laced in a wealth of hope.

I've grown, and love is piercing a lot of the bitterness that I experienced this past summer.

Oh, how He loves us

maybe Nashville...

Wait right there LSAT, I'll be right back

2009-07-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in a Monroe Starbucks before plunging into LSAT study thinking about life as of late. I think I mentioned before that my summers are not always the best time of growth for me. Obviously my summer with CSM was an exception because it had an enormous impact on the person I am today. I wish that were the norm, but in the past these times have overwhelmingly been about stagnation or worse. This one has not been one of those. I don't even know where to begin with an explanation, but I can describe this one as difficult but also mellow. I've had no shortage of things that bother me, but I could never say that without explaining the near constant trail of blessings that come from all directions. I've never realized how wealthy I am. My wealth is relational, riches that come out of friendships and words of encouraging affirmation. The morning prayers continue to sustain, and this morning I think I nearly leapt to my knees because it's a refuge to something greater. That's the place I don't have to be haunted by anything. I can hand over all of the chains that I seem to have a thing for collecting.

I'll be back sooner than later.

Igloo Candle Light

2009-06-12T12:39:00.001-07:00

Summer is here! Somehow, and I'm still not entirely sure how, I survived Spring quarter with my g.p.a. intact. Then I somehow landed in Monroe. Goody. Every summer except for this one I've planned something big, something that would not have me in this town. While I still have my Ruston place, a law runner job has me here Monday-Friday. Like I said, I didn't think this one through...so I'm just now trying to do something about it. While I've got a trip to Guatemala planned to sharpen up my Spanish, that's not until late August and lasts for only a couple of weeks. In the meantime, here I am. I've got thesis research and the LSAT to study for. I have to confess I've been favoring the former over the latter. Those, though, are simply the tasks for the summer. Outside of that I've got the major concern of growing spiritually. Summers haven't been my shiniest of times in the past, and I'm more than convinced that this one cannot be one of those. I can't describe how chilling the isolation felt when I first got to Monroe. Things have warmed up a little, but still I can't feel the real cohesion that comes with a community you're living life with. It's going to take putting myself out there tirelessly. If I don't, I know what to expect. Let's just say for all of his musical talents John Meyer probably shouldn't be the most playing thing on my ipod this summer.

That said, I do have hope. Some conversations that I've had have given me a little reassurance that God can move anywhere, even here. Some flames are lit, now with some effort and intervention my prayer is that they will flare up.

Some thoughts on being a pilgrim

2009-05-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

As I've talked about before, this year has been an enormous learning experience regarding "spiritual development," or whichever term people use to describe the process of growing closer to God. It's been my first year of graduate school at my undergraduate university, something that I had not planned on in a million years. I was convinced that I would be leaving LaTech after four years. I expected to go to graduate school at somewhere like Tulane or the University of Florida. Those two schools had other plans. Even though two other good schools accepted me last year, LaTech was the only one to offer financial aid. On top of that, tons and tons of prayer revealed a growing peace about staying in school here.

So, I began what will be two years of graduate school at LaTech. One of my greatest fears was that the separation from my ministry, the Wesley Foundation, would leave me as a shell of what I once was. I thought it was my lifeline, and being quasi-here but too busy to be involved would only bring about a slow drifting into spiritual complacency. God had other plans.

For a long time my prayer life was sporadic and emotionally charged at best. That was the substance of it. There was a lack of consistency, and if you read my journal entries from back then my emotions seem to have been on the fritz. So this fall I felt this urge to pray daily at the same time. I read about meditation and learned that for centuries Christians used it to settle in and catalyze a connection to God that was free of distractions. They could calm down and listen. So I started the meditations and the prayer every morning. With a few exceptions, it's been a steady, daily part of my life this year that I can almost describe as addictive. Addictive in the best of ways. It's been difficult, but it has been life. I focused in on the process described in John 15 as well as fleshing out the Lord's prayer, and from there I've known the kingdom in new ways that make me wonder what can be called life outside of this?

So several weeks ago I started thinking a little more about the concept of pilgrimage. Yes, the ritual. No, it wouldn't be rote and purposeless. In contrast, it would reorient the day toward the kingdom. I've only been convicted about the first hour of the day, but the idea is that eventually the whole day will make for a kind of micro-pilgrimage. So far it only consists of climbing out of bed and showering like I normally do. The difference is that now the shower is a time to pray against lust. A breadcrumb trail, a marker on the pilgrim's trail. I've seen the destruction caused by lust. I've seen how it's warped and twisted my views, numbed me to life. I've also caught glimpses of what redemption from it looks like. Things look, smell, taste, and open themselves to appreciation. I'll pray for its hold on the body of Christ as well. That people will be bold and fight back. Christ said "blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God." That's bold, and it's what my convictions reinforce to be true.

After the shower I'll meditate, and I'll work through the Lord's prayer like usual. From there, I hope I can think of other routine things in the day that remind me. Markers on the trail. These won't be burdens, but rather invitations.

May the kingdom come, and may His will be done...

Striking a Chord

2009-03-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

I've been realizing more and more that while there are huge differences between what is holy and what is secular, the life of someone in Christ is somewhat of a splatter paint job between the two. Moreover, "listening to the Spirit" seems so connected to a proper ordering of the life. Everything seems to be interconnected, what some people call holistic. What I've seen in my own life lately, especially through giving up fast food for lent, is an appreciation for stillness. In that stillness creation happens. It could be something as simple as boiling water to cook noodles in, but I'm learning about God. I'm learning about creating, about the image we were made in. And then there's washing dishes. I've found that I can get swept away in it. I'll lose track of my "schedule" and exist then and there. That's what I've been praying for: to be able to exist more fully in what I'm doing when I'm doing it. If it's prayer, then I'll be fully praying. If it's study, then I'll be fully into Latin America. If it's cooking, then it's ingredients and motions. And yet, I keep colliding with God in these mundane things. When I stop worrying about schoolwork when I'm not working on it, or about my future plans when all I have is today, God meets with me and I know I'm loved. I'm starting to understand that "listening to the Spirit" is like hitting the proper notes while playing a song. Maybe an even better example would be hitting the notes on guitar hero...although a lot less frantic.

may my love go free

The yoke gets heavy

2009-02-27T10:58:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my convictions and the future. I have to confess I've had doubts about both. Not crushing, life-altering doubts, but doubts nonetheless. To be honest...some of the fears are rooted in the economy. I know, I know, we're not supposed to worry. But still, when I think about what could happen I start to feel a little constricted. I start to question how much my desire to go to law school is rooted in my own ambitions and how much of it God is laying on my heart. My convictions for wanting to go are hardly professional, even though that's what seems to be on a lot of people's minds when I mention it. I mean, I know I need to make a living to provide for a family, which I most certainly would love to have one day. Still, my convictions are found in the skills that lawyers have at their disposal. When I look at the International Justice Mission's work to fight human trafficking and injustice, my heart leaps. Suddenly this profession that has a bad reputation most of the time is being used in ways that seem so in line with Christ's heart and the kingdom. International is nice, but I know that skills like that could be used anywhere, and anywhere is where I'm willing to go. And they may have to be.

Welcome to my fears and feelings of constraint. I worry that the economy going ker-plunk is going to make it impossible for me to even go to law school simply because I would not be able to secure a loan. I mean, Atticus Finch was not himself without the ability to serve people with his occupation. And Jesus, I think he knew what it was like to serve amidst a broken economy. Ok, so maybe a broken state which many thought he should be siding with to overthrow a well-known empire. In the rubble Jesus found a way to establish his kingdom. He led man back to life in the middle of chaos. And he didn't sin. Now the pendulum swings. What about these convictions that I've only described briefly? If they're real, then I should be taking up courage that God is going to make a way. He is so faithful in that. I guess that's why I've been reading a lot of blogs about mission work lately. I've done some, and I know that discerning it forces you to embrace hope. Sometimes it's all that you have going for you.

So, when God puts something on your heart, do you abandon all restraint to get to it?

But still, you must love...

I Should be Typing Something Else...

2009-01-19T08:58:00.000-08:00

As the title suggests there are some other that I could(or should) be doing right now. Those would include bibliographies and research proposals among other things. Right now, though, I just want to reflect. What have I learned since the December entry? Plenty...from plenty of different teachers. Consistent morning prayer has become an addiction, without it I just walk through the day like a wraith. When those days have happened I come running back to the ritual. Ritual here is a wonderful thing, a discipline grounded in its consistency. In a way it's the outgrowth of realizations from the fall retreat. The biggest of those concerned Christ's words about the vine and branches in John 15, apart from which we can do nothing. Of course the word "do" or rather the verb "to be" mentioned there is, as I've found, loaded. When we are connected to Christ, the "do" is apparently limitless in potential. Sometime not long after the last entry I was given a crash course in boldness. This boldness is new, and it revealed my cowardly "deeds" or lack thereof. If I believe something to be true, and I stand by that, I've realized that I might actually encounter some opposition. So much more with Christ, where that opposition has all but been guaranteed. I wonder what I was thinking before, or maybe I was just listening intently to fears and doubts. One thing about boldness that I've realized: it comes with enormous responsibility. I think we've all seen it abused. All of the fruit of the spirit. Truth. Grace...but not cheap grace, would bring about something else. Maybe people would see and enter the Kingdom.

With that I say "People of God, rise up and give out your love and show your faithfulness to your Kingdom!"

december musings

2008-12-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

It's time for a new post on this guy. After all, it's a new quarter at LaTech. Somehow I managed to survive the last one, and although it nearly killed me academically I can fairly say that I learned some things. One: I don't want a PhD. Two: Consistent prayer every morning introduced by distraction-eliminating meditation can be life itself. It's the kingdom put first and a silencing of morning mental noise all at once. Still, the guidelines of "thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as in heaven" & "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" continue to blow my mind with their endless depths. Somehow the prayerful spelunking brought about a connection that when absent felt like withdrawals from a fix. Everything in my life just went off kilter. So, I've decided to hang on to this little discipline.

I mentioned that I don't want a PhD. At least not anytime soon. Interestingly, I still want my MA, at least enough of it to constitute a knowledge of Hispanic immigrant communities in Louisiana. It looks like my research will include a lot of oral history, which means I'll get a chance to talk to a lot of people and try and tell their stories. I can't can't think of a better way to get to know a group you one day could see yourself serving. This was intimidating for some reason, but today I gave it all some heavy thought and I think I'm ready to start tackling it. One thing I need: a good voice recorder. Do those come in digital?

Blessings in disguise. Some not so shrouded. Life.
Painting by: Odilon Redon (d.1916)

books…papers

2008-10-05T22:05:00.000-07:00

Papers and books. Last week: three papers and one book. This week: two papers and two books. Sometimes graduate school can seem overwhelming to say the least. Sometimes I sit back and check my pulse, and yes, there still is one. That pulse reminds me that there is life within me and a soul that craves more and more of it. I've gotten to a point where I'm asking myself why? Why graduate school, is the end goal even realistic? I'm long balling, but one of these days I want to take all of the knowledge I can gather about Latin America, combine that with a law degree and start drawing connections. Connect resources, see that the hungry are fed and that the thirsty have water. Connect people, enable people of faith to know that we are all brothers and sisters. To disconnect injustice, as this verse[es] that I've resonated with cries out:

"I was a father to the needy, and I searched out the cause of him whom I did not know.
I broke the fangs of the unrighteous and made him drop his prey from his teeth."
-Job 29:16-17
I can't shake these convictions, and why would I want to?

He said he was the vine, and we are the branches.
Apart from him, we can do nothing. So what does do entail?

Brother and sisters, lets go down and love[God, people] well.

Manos y Pies (Hands & Feet)

2008-09-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I started going once a week to Farmerville Elementary to tutor Spanish-speaking students in the ESL program there. I've been going with a couple of other volunteers through this organization called Manna Project International. Manna isn't faith-based, but that in no way has stopped this huge conviction of mine that through it I've been able to be a small part of the hands and feet of Christ. The need is enormous, the physical need I mean, but more than that our group has unexpectedly become default role-models for the chicos. As we've done this we've also become better friends, and I can't explain how great this one-a-week adventure has become to me. It's a passion, it's grassroots, and I can't help but think that if Christ were with us that he would love teaching Kindergarten kids their ABC's. I could go on and on, one story after another from this experience. Hands and feet, now I'm just praying for more workers to enter the field...

Cosas Nuevas

2008-09-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

Lately I've realized the value of "quality time." Last night I sat with a friend for a long time just talking about life. We talked about all of the hard things and how in some ways we feel drained. We talked about God, about what kind of legacies we leave behind to everyone around us. Somewhere in the middle of that discussion I became thankful. It was the kind of feeling that in spite of all of the troubles I have so much to be thankful for. I'm looking at this year and I'm looking forward to it. I'm older, and Ruston sure has changed since I first arrived, but something is beginning to seem fresh again. I'm a graduate student in history and I also work as a departmental TA. In that I feel like there is great potential to love and serve people. In that I feel like I'm coming to understand it as my ministry. I have to. It's what's sitting in front of me. So with that in mind I want these tanks re-filled, and I want a heart of flesh for my heart of stone. I love you guys.

Response to "Reconciliation"

2008-08-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

In a recent post my friend Matt wrote about reconciliation in Christ. Hey used a diagram which placed Christ at the center with four connecting objects(the individual, the community, the creator God and the creation): the four objects expressing how some understand the nature of redemption. I would agree, and to reflect I wrote some things that express my thoughts about each.

1) Individual: I remembered the ash, bitterness and endless disenchantment that used to be my life. I considered what could have become of me without Christ's intervention. I realize that the individual connected to Christ has enormous potential to engage life. Christ called it the kingdom of heaven. Even the glimpses are enough to convince me that only life in Christ can truly be called life at all.

2) Community: Christ was with people most of the time. He taught them about the Kingdom, he trusted them, and he even asked them to be there for him. Through Christ our communities can take all of the potential of the individual and amplify it. It can radiate in a way that the world neither experiences nor understands...and by encountering it people are welcomed to join it. Through it perspective and substance radically change beyond our understanding of the word "good."

3) Creator (the Father or God) : I don't know where to begin or even what to say once I have. Christ knew the Father intimately and used parables to convey his nature. There was and still mystery, even danger. Jews will not even speak the name, leaving a blank _____, a pause out of reverence. I'm beginning to think that we have much to learn, actually, I know we do.

4) Creation (our planet): Not many of us were taught as children the holistic nature of the Kingdom. We were given an understanding limited to just the individual and Christ in many cases. But what about the redemption of all things? What about the feeling I get when I escape our society and embrace what so many others have felt? And what, to strike closer to home, do we do with the creator's command to Adam to "subdue and conquer the earth and everything in it"? What an enormous responsibility. I think that that responsibility extends to us...in all things, and in all things it includes the requirement to "rule and subdue" correctly. With boldness, care, concern and divorced from abuse. I'll conclude by relating something I recently heard: that if human society suddenly ceased to exist hardly a generation would pass before nature reclaimed everything: our cities, our creations.

So I recently saw an interstate rest stop that had been recently closed. In it's derelict state you could easily see grass breaking through the concrete...reclaiming.

Dizzy but Prone

2008-07-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

I finally feel that I can tap into all of me. After returning from Guatemala I recovered from food poisoning for about a week, steadily regaining my appetite and scrambling to recapture the ten or fifteen pounds that I lost in my final 48 hours in that country. No sooner did I begin to feel better that I got hit with a dizzying summer cold that I'm now feeling the last of. I ran yesterday to see if I could. To stretch my legs and let them fly like I used to. It's been a long time since then, and although my two-mile is no longer sub-11 I believe my blood thanked me for its release. Dizzying; that would describe what it's been like since I returned. Moments of euphoria where my soul danced in freedom clashed against the chilling bite of letdown. In the letdown radiance flipped as a coin to reveal a revolting contrast. Glee tagged off to horror. More than a couple of times my face has been down, as low is my body will descend because I know that God is near to the brokenhearted. The weight, the submission that brings freedom whispered assurance in the bog. In my dizzying retreat my questions keep me company. The biggest is whether or not to restrain my resolve.

Where do I go from here? Summer seems laced with aimlessness.
I know, though, in my deepest core of being that I will delight in His teaching.
I will delight in His caress as never before.
Daily I will meet with Him and sit in the silence that teaches.
I will be teachable, and I will rise to boldness and to love.
In that I will give myself away.

"Be silent, all flesh, before the LORD, for he has roused himself from his holy dwelling"
Zechariah 2:13

Let's go deep!

2008-05-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

Sitting here in this coffee shop I realize what it means for me to have two weeks of college left. I mean, sure, I do plan on going to graduate school. I know that will be something different though. All the same, I can't seem to stop thinking about what it will be like to say my college days are done. Degree in hand, over, done. I've learned so much in them. I owe to these days the bulk of my faith journey. I have grown a lot. Spiritually, emotionally...dare I say physically. Ok, so there are no more 40-50 running miles a week like in high school. I'm excited that I have so much more life to go. I mean, I've read enough of the scriptures to know that I believe God is good. Like goooooood kind of good. I know he loves me so much. He's shown that so much. I was just reading the other day in Judges about Gideon. In short, Gideon isn't exactly the cream of the crop to break down the alters and kick out the bad guys. But when he does demolish the alter to Baal and Ashera...that happens to be in his back yard...the people try to kill him. Gideon's father tells them that they should let Baal contend with the offense...after all it was his alter that Gideon took the pleasure of smashing. Because of it all, Gideon gets to be one of those interesting people in the scriptures to get a new name. It's Jerubbaal...which means in short "let Baal contend." That took faith. I want that kind of faith. My God is that kind of God. I want the smashing of the idol to be done in the kind of faith that lets the evidence declare I really don't need that anymore. If it were so great...then let it contend. It kind of works both ways I guess, but what if we applied that to our lives? I guess I should clarify...what if I said of the things that I fear. Like, I'm sort of afraid that I won't be provided for. Sometimes I just have trouble believing that the ravens will come. I think if we explored Gideon we might find some picture of faith. I think things would change. I want to drink deep. To live and love well. Too well. Unnaturally well. I want to get there. Oh yeah...and I want people to come along!

Grass & Tulips, Breezes & Fears

2008-03-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Today I slept in so that when I woke up around ten in the morning I was ready to go after something like sabbatical. Life has been a crossroads lately. It's been a heavy dose of uncertainty. I'm as unsure as ever of what my next move will be. I have healthy fears, cowardly doubts, and nothing short of a strong desire to do what I feel to be good. With that on my shoulders along with a backpack full of Augustine and the Psalms I went for a walk. The day was too beautiful to try and describe. The small things to the gargantuan kind swayed with the breeze. They're all getting along fine it seems. God said they would. Stacking that against my worries, it seems like I can be sure of the ending even if the middle ground seems a little hazy. For the moment I'm just going to sit and take this creation in.

Reminders

2008-01-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of what has been the busiest week of the year. Graduate school applications could possibly be more confusing and time consuming than grad school itself, and of of course there is always the school I'm currently attending. Spanish has certainly demanded a lot. This week, however, has been different than the other busy ones. This week I finally worked well. I also stopped here and there to read. And then there is the running. They've all been little reminders of passions and pursuits outside of the drudgery. I logged into my homepage today and the picture above came up. There are no words, only a desire. I will see some of those beautiful(here I go describing) and indescribable parts of creation while I'm on this earth. Right now, in no particular order or concern of being labeled random, they're called New Zealand and Iceland.

Dizzy

2007-12-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

The scriptures repeatedly speak of the sacred romance between God and man. They cry aloud of God's longing to walk among his people. In the law the people were commanded to look strait ahead, not glancing to the right or to the left. To fixate their gaze on the wholeness of God and to pursue Him as a lover pursues his beloved. I have found that this divine fixation is relevant within the bounds of the new covenant. That within our liberty and covering of grace we can so easily become distracted and forget. In my own life I fail to keep my gaze focused. I romance lovers less wild. Their promises wilt into bitterness. Into emptiness. As long as we have breath I believe God still longs to redeem us. I want to experience the depth and wholeness of this redemption. I have tasted and seen that He is good...I want to be consumed in Him as well. Not to the right or to the left...strait ahead...

mejor que el Vino...

2007-08-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

I find myself in motion to a place I barely know, finally tasting a freedom from a web I never fully understood. This motion is sweet and beckons me to embrace it. I know it will be better than the finest wine, a place where I can resonate with a reality that few taste. Many would ask to what end? I simply know it to be good and true. It is caught somewhere between a leap of faith and a dream I feel the Spirit would have for this life of mine. Mine, yet not.

2007-08-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

It's been so real to me lately how temporal so many of our "christian" fads are. In short, much of it has become jargon to me. All the same, the truth of Christ which I've heard thousands of times over has not grown to be like jargon. The essence of it still rings loudly in my soul. And yet, softly. I've seen the kingdom move as of late. I feel like God has used me in its moving. I've also messed up a lot. Pleasing the spirit or pleasing the flesh. It's a day to day, hour to hour, second to second struggle.

It's totally worth it.

Shimmer within Decay

2007-04-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

As of late I have known defeat and fear like a buried man knows dirt upon him. What defenses I once clung to are but trifles of legalism robbed of their potency. These days of late the bitter I taste is rancid but the sweet is beyond description. I now know that I man cannot change his own heart. I knew that before, though I am not sure if I believed it. There is truth in David's voice as he said "Create in me a pure heart Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

The truth is this, God is willing, I need but relent my pride.

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God"

Cliffs Above

2007-03-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

I feel walled in. From this sin and failing it seems I cannot escape. The freedom looms above...casting its shadow if only to tempt me to redemption. I declare freedom from this would be inhuman, not of this place. It feels so normal I feel tempted not to resist, yet the spirit whispers that love should have some place. I should offer more love and respect. Truth stings sometimes...and why should ignorance enjoy such bliss? Freedom would require me to leap, to trust, to have faith. So the cliff looms above, and I have wings yet I waver as to their use...

Motives & Church

2007-03-11T16:37:00.001-07:00

It had been 4 weeks since I last went to church. I finally went this morning and I think I received more questions than answers. Don't get me wrong, I gave up looking for definitive answers in church a long time ago...or perhaps I never actually looked. Frankly I wonder if my experience with church can be summed up in saying that on one end there is passionate fascination and at the other numbing apathy. I'm not sure if my current spot fits between either though. I found myself gazing at it all almost as a critic yoked with spite. It wasn't spite though, I know this because I still care deeply for the church. Christ died for it. And so I ponder a while and determine if my motives align evenly with my ideals. I need to confess. I often care more about who is sitting around me in the service than I do about my lack of understanding of the mystery of worship. That would mean I seek their praise. That could mean that I seek their approval over that of my redeemer. What would the idealistic church look like? I doubt that it would be the most trendy or relevant. I doubt people would even care what their or any one else's clothing looked like. How could they? How could such insignificant and trite things be even the most remote of distractions when the focus were where it should be? By that I mean centered on the love of Christ and love of fellow man. So convinced of the need for deedless grace simply because one would know their own reality as well as the reality of their neighbor. They might even be one in spirit. They might live up to the ironic humility that we are all called to.

Who then, is my enemy?

2007-02-28T11:41:00.000-08:00

I simply cannot bring myself to understand this constantly. I catch glimpses of truth yet it flees. Perhaps however, it is I who flees. I run and hide because it is light and I am dark. I so often get frustrated with souls I perceive to be wretched and sunk in a restraining pit. I forget that I have been redeemed of similar straits. I deny the truth that is Christ, that men can be free and can chase perfection in this life and be assured of it in the next. If I but stand for that liberty in Christ. If I but exhibit my redemption I do believe the haze might lift. One might call the lessoning of hell heaven, yet I believe the glimpses of heaven we are exposed to are but drops of water from oceans. My prayer is this, that I may not hate men but sin. That I may attack the enemy and not the hostage. And who are hostages...all men I presume, until they are redeemed.

Please Father, Cut These Chains

2007-02-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

my pride chokes me. i welcomed it here. it grips and pulls me and makes me a mockery. what liberty and freedom is there to be found in the mire of pride? what bare evil it is! pollution of the soul...

liberty, humility, freedom...paradox of eternity. In surrender I am redeemed

The Grandfather Was a Labor Union President

2007-02-10T20:42:00.000-08:00

The Myers-Brigg profile said it well. "If there were no INFJ's, Israel would have gone without prophets." At times things stir in my deepest parts. A passionate conviction, a daring vendetta resonates. It was upon me so quickly, had I been given a moment more I would have approached her...and rebuked her. I was standing in the coffee shop line. My friend was working the counter. My friend was tired. The women, who could have been mistaken for a regular church goer, approached to order. She spoke of her custom preference. The barista innocently failed to know. The customer glared...then asked for the barista's name. She had no care to know her.

Had it come to me a second sooner, I would have approached the customer. I would have said, "why do you do that?" "what good can come of it?" "can you not see her honesty? are you so consumed with pride and disregard?"

I would have said it. I could feel the bitterness of it all. I should have spoken truth, instead I spoke nothing at all. She probably is a church goer, she probably cared little for my friend. Like I said, my grandfather was a labor union president.

Plans Rather Unkempt

2007-02-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

I am a man like two. My emotion dictates my ever changing whim. But a whim, a pulse within perhaps, whispers softly. But yet it sways. Plans made are no place for faith, for faith must dwell in loftier keeps. Merely a desire, yet wrought in conflict with fate. Faith, hope, love...and then before our eyes the Kingdom emerges. Perhaps I am wrong, or perhaps I follow whims...but I am His.

Intoxicating Reality

2007-01-20T10:03:00.000-08:00

What if when we came together we communally asked Christ to resonate through our gathering. What good is a prayer before dinner if it is but a stinging reminder of a depth rarely reached? What of emotion and how like our meditation it can run out of control or serve us as a platform to the divine? What of liberty over restriction, and a dismissal of worldly culture, if only for a minute, if only for a thought, for we are not of this world. What of jubilant fraternity? It must be true! We are more than sinners saved by grace! We can escort heaven to earth. What is not possible with a communion of saints?

Sweetest words I can muster for a dear Savior

2007-01-19T21:48:00.000-08:00

My Christ, your presence caresses my soul. Like incense I desire my intercession to be. Ever elevating the glow of a soul so enamored. From what depths you lifted me, from what pits I cannot fathom. Captive, set free, now captivated by divinity ever pristine. In the stillness you weight the air. Pride flees and shudders before your exalted presence. Does heaven descend or do You lift Your own?

Though Blatent as Awkwardness, how we forget

2007-01-13T22:04:00.000-08:00

We pray, we offer up our needs and desires in desperation at best and disregard at least. Like a socket longing for it's volts to scream forth. Often disconnected. God adores us more than we could now know or understand. Nothing stands in His way. We so often need only ask. Prayer baffles me. Not so long ago I felt, along with brothers and sisters, to pray for the impossible. The impossible happened. My heart was aroused, but how easily I forget. I think of that answered prayer, and suddenly my soul feels tugged to worship. To worship in spirit. To know that Christ opened the way...bridged the gap. Evermore

Passing Conversation

2006-03-16T17:07:00.000-08:00

Have any of you ever wondered about how we converse among each other? I'm talking about the day to day stuff and I'm wondering how it corolates with scripture. I mean, doesn't scripture tell us that to refrain from coarse joking and speech that isn't uplifting? Does this leave an impression that we are supposed to be like monks or something? And what is it about some speech we hear that we say has gravity? I've just been wrestling with this stuff lately...